OFFICE PARTY

Wrote this in 1982 and recorded it in February 2018.

"You don't know me yet you're sneering. 
You get a kick out of putting me down. 
We've just met and you're unpleasant. 
Yes, you've really gone to town. 

You're snapping and you're snarling 
And bristling up to fight, 
And yet, I haven't done anything 
To warrant your anger and spite. 

Perhaps you just perceive me as a threat, 
Or your just happiest when you're scoring. 
Well, I wish you'd pick on someone else, 
I find the whole thing boring. 

It's true, I'm old, arthritic, 
There's a bit of grey about my beard, 
I'm an embarrassment on the dance floor 
And my sense of humour's weird. 

I'm short-sighted, I've a false tooth, 
I don't bathe but twice a week, 
 I have no money or home of my own 
And my career prospects are bleak. 

I don't stand out in any crowd, 
I'm not blessed with the best of luck;
On the other hand I'm a genius
And, once, I was a marvellous fuck!

I dare say, one day, someone, somewhere, 
Will succumb to my homely spell 
And be happy to have done so 
When they get to know me well. 

You, now, you're very pretty 
And you're young and full of spring 
But you're vicious and Bolshevistic 
And your brain's tied together with string. 

You're rude, ill-mannered, spiky, 
You're loud and crave attention. 
And there's a crow at the edge of your nostril 
That I'm happy now to mention..."